


When things get hard, don't push me away

by MiaVivisol



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Aaargh, Alec is worried, Angst, Be sure to tell me how much I suck, Because I have finals and instead, Because show-verse, Brotherly Bonding, But Clary is dead, Crying, God I love disappointing everyone, Guys I'll be honest I'm scared of 3b, Hurt/Comfort, I'm writing angst, Izzy is a caring sibling, M/M, Nobody dies I'm not into that, Nobody is in the process of dying, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Siblings, Tbh this is a pretty spoiler set of tags, You should stop reading these and just click on the story already, enjoy i guess, magnus is sad, so like, you know the one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-08-25 14:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16662285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiaVivisol/pseuds/MiaVivisol
Summary: Prompted by Random _nerd:"Alec being touch starved (having a panic attack) and it's cause by Magnus being a dick (l Love Magnus but someone's gotta be the bad guy) and Jace comes in as the over protective brother insisting Alec needs help cause through the parabatai bond he can feel only a fraction of what Alec is feeling as Alec refuses to let people help him."Or, post 3B spoiler feels and angst.





	When things get hard, don't push me away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RandomNerd3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomNerd3/gifts).



> Listen. I write ONE (1) angsty fic and suddenly there's an angsty prompt. (Not that I didn't love writing this- I need practice in the negative spectrum.)
> 
> So like it starts RIGHT after the malec sneak peek. If you haven't seen it, go over to twitter to check it out. If you don't want to, here's a summary:
> 
> Alec: *lying in bed shirtless and covered in a blanket, hair shaved off around the arrow wound* Is today a special occasion?  
> Magnus: *sitting down next to Alec, fully clothed, putting a tray with a rose in a vase and a champagne cup down* Today's your day off. I wanted to make the most of it.  
> Alec: *adorable grumpy face (telling Magnus that he can cut the crap and Alec knows he's hurting), small pause* That's actually really sweet.  
> Magnus: I thought so.  
> Freeform: nOw wE'Ve gOt yOuR aTtenTioN
> 
> Anyway, sorry this is late. Hope you like it, and that it doesn't make you cry. Or does? Idk. Just ignore me, go read.

"Listen," Magnus starts, moving to sit beside him.

Alec sits up, careful not to spill the coffee in the champagne cup. The arrow wound is still tender and he winces. Magnus goes to heal him, as he always does, but that little lost look in his -human- eyes returns as he remembers that he can't.

Alec takes the hovering hand and kisses Magnus' palm to distract him. "You were saying?" he prompts.

Magnus smiles at him softly. "I love you."

Alec smiles then. "I love you too."

Magnus smiles, but then it drops off his face, and he shifts, looking distinctly uncomfortable.

"Something you want to talk about?" Alec asks carefully, hoping to get him to say something about it, express something, anything about how he's feeling. Anything that would help Alec get rid of the tension holding his shoulders down. "Hey. Don't push me away," he says, gently pulling Magnus' chin around to face him.

Magnus smiles as his eyes drop and he grabs Alec's hand, pushing it down. "I wanted to ask you something," he admits.

"What is it?" Alec asks.

"I just..." Magnus hesitates again. "I just need some space."

Alec instantly feels his shackles go up. But he forces himself to breath. "What do you mean?" he asks, trying to keep his voice even.

Magnus meets his eyes. "We're not breaking up, Alexander. Stop that overthinking." Alec realises he's almost crushing Magnus' hand and releases it with a small 'sorry'.

"I've just been feeling pretty- vulnerable," Magnus tells him, his voice softening. "Every little thing reminds me that I'm weak. Handicapped." He lowers his eyes. "My magic... It was this part of me that was always there. Not having it at my fingertips feels.. wrong. I feel angry, and sad, and... hopeless. I just need some time to get myself together."

"Magnus," Alec breathes. He reaches a hand to Magnus' cheek, but Magnus pushes it down halfway.

Alec suddenly realises Magnus has been doing that a lot. Avoiding contact with him. He promptly pushes the observation into the box labelled 'not now' and focuses on the conversation.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Alec says, turning to face him.

Magnus looks at him sadly and shakes his head slowly. "Would you mind... staying at the Institute for a while? Just while I get my bearings," he adds quickly, before Alec could start thinking.

Alec nods slowly. "Okay. I'll call Jace to-"

"Not today, Alexander." Magnus smiles at him. "Stay here today."

Alec smiles back, nodding before Magnus is done talking. "Anything else?"

Magnus shakes his head. "Just that. I'll call Catarina over tonight, see if there's anything left of my magic."

Alec senses the hope in that statement. And prays to all the gods he knows to not disappoint Magnus. To keep that hint of hope in his eyes, and to keep the resignation away.

***

Alec should really know better by now.

Asmodeus wasn't the kind of person to leave behind something if he had nothing to gain from it. He wasn't a person, period.

They had had a relatively good day, considering recent history. Magnus had brewed some potions with Alec's help, then they had gone out for lunch. Alec paid, and Magnus hid a smile as he wiped off a small smear of coffee on Alec's nose. They had then curled up on the loveseat and watched a movie neither of them really paid attention to. Magnus still looked a bit guilty everytime Alec winced, and Alec tried his best to make him smile again.

Then Catarina had shown up.

Alec squeezed Magnus' hand while her searching green magic wafted over Magnus' heart. Magnus hadn't responded, instead staring into Catarina's face. Finally, when Catarina started to open her mouth, Magnus shook his head, Cat nodded, hugged him and left.

Alec may not have known Cat for as long as Magnus had, but even he knew what all that meant.

Magnus was distant after that. He smiled at Alec once the door shut behind Cat, but then he was lost in thought all through dinner.

Alec tried to engage in conversation, he really did. To distract Magnus. But after what seemed like a hundred monosyllabic non-answers, he gave up on trying to distract with words and resorted to quietly finishing the food that now tasted like ash.

Now, after dinner, when the dishes have all been washed clean by Alec (Magnus starting to look amused at his doing it by hand before the realization struck), and they each had a cup of wine in their hands, Alec kisses Magnus, again and again, before Magnus stops him a little breathlessly, putting down his cup.

"Alec, I'm not really in the mood now," he says.

"I didn't mean to- I- I'm sorry," Alec says, lump in his throat. _Alec, not Alexander._

"Don't be," Magnus says, stepping away. "It's not your fault." He sighs, holding his head in his palms. "I'm going to go to bed now. You coming?"

"No, I- I have some reports to finish. Uh, Jace texted me," he says, looking around for his phone. "You go ahead, I'll be done in a while."

"Okay," Magnus agreed, turning around. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Magnus."

***

It wasn't exactly a lie. Jace had texted him while they were "watching" the movie. Alec had been too wrapped up to give it much attention at the time, but now he found his phone on the coffee table and read through the stream of texts from both Izzy and Jace.

_2:42 p.m_

_Jace: all ok? had a call from Consul, clave wants 2 question u. they can wait, u need 2 heal._

_3:22 p.m_

_Izzy: hey, Alec. hope you're having a good time with Magnus. call me when you can. The wound needs a checkup today. Jace seems better._

_3:35 p.m_

_Jace: dude call me. got some news 4 u._

_4:53 p.m_

_Izzy: I'm going to head to bed, I have a late patrol. Call Jace if you need anything. Love you_

_6:40 p.m_

_Jace: Robert called. told him to stfu n gtfo. but it sounded serious. don't worry we'll handle it._

_9:17 p.m_

_Jace: bro what's wrong the bond feels weird_

Alec presses the speed dial button. Jace picks up on the first ring.

"Hey," he says. Alec exhales. Jace still blamed himself for everything. And he was missing Clary. He had been overusing his stamina rune again, trying to track her. He also kept nudging the bond for comfort, to ensure Alec was there and was alright. Alec hated feeling like he was walking on eggshells around two of his closest people.

"What's up?" Jace said. "Everything's okay?"

"Yeah. You had some news?"

"It can wait. How's the, uh..."

"I'm okay, Jace. It wasn't your fault. Stop worrying about it."

"You keep telling me that. I just..." Jace sighed heavily. "Can't help but worry. Clary's already gone, I can't lose you too," he said. Alec pretended he hadn't heard the tremor in his voice.

"Yeah, well, you can keep an eye on me personally if you want," Alec joked. "I'm staying at the Institute for a while now."

"Whoa, whoa. Is everything okay with Magnus? Is Magnus okay?" Jace asked.

Alec almost said yes. "I don't know. He needs some space. I... I don't want to talk about it. I'm coming over tomorrow."

"Okay. I'll... I'll, uh, get your bed ready. It must be pretty dusty by now," Jace joked, still a little off. Alec sighed.

"I'll do it, Jace. You rest. Stop worrying so much."

There's silence on the other end for a long while. 

"Don't be too late tomorrow," Jace says finally. "Izzy'll be back by seven. We're going to watch a movie. You should be here."

"Okay. Night, Jace. Go to bed."

"Yeah. Night."

***

Everything feels off today, like the earth turned upside down and nobody told him. He left Magnus with a kiss to the forehead and a note explaining his early departure, and ending with three lines of X's and O's. Magnus didn't wake, instead just scrunching up his forehead in unease. Alec sighed, but let him sleep. There was no way he had gotten enough sleep after his nightmare- filled night, and Alec would let him have all the sleep he could.

He had grabbed a coffee at some trashy street cafe but it tasted off somehow, and he was at the Institute before he realized it was water coffee, not milk. Tossing the cup in the trash, he walks to his office, nodding along to some report Underhill gave him in terse words, and thanking him for his 'get well soon!' parting.

Izzy and Jace were lounging on his bed with a laptop in his room, but get up immediately when he walks in.

"Good to see you," Jace says, putting the laptop on his table.

"Come on, Alec, you missed yesterday's checkup," Izzy tells him, taking his arm. 

Alec shaked it off, smiling at her. "Don't need a checkup. I'm alive," he says. Jace makes a choking sound and they both turn to look at him.

"I'm fine," he says before either of them could say anything. Alec stares at him before sighing and taking Izzy's hand.

"Come on, let's get me checked up."

***

Jace is quiet all through the morning. Quiet and jumpy. And that in itself is such an antithesis of who Jace  _is_ that the whole Institute has picked up on it. Consequently, the Institute feels quiet and jumpy. 

Alec hates it.

He's frustrated with how everyone seems to be extra careful around him, as if being stabbed was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Sure, a queen of hell had possessed his parabatai and forced him to do the deed, and he had been pretty out of it for a while there because his heart was the affected organ, but it didn't mean he was suddenly an invalid.

There's another thing that's putting him off his entire day. 

Idris had called as soon as he sat down at his desk, and informed him that his position as the HOTI was to be examined again due to "recent transgressions". He's pretty sure that was code for "we're sending another douchebag to rule your institute and make a mess of everything". He had just been  _stabbed._ In the  _heart._ Couldn't they cut him some slack? Sure, he had assisted in smuggling an untested demon trap out of Idris, and it had resulted in mass murder and the death of several of the Silent Brothers, but he also assisted in killing a queen of hell. Surely that counted for something?

Either way, he is very frustrated with the entire situation, even more so when he realizes he can't go back hom- he can't go back to Magnus' loft. Magnus is the man he loved and he deserved some space, so Alec was going to give it to him. But that didn't mean he has to like it.

By the end of the day, he is ready to tear his hair out. The medics said he had to stay off patrols for three months-  _three months!-,_ His 'hope everything is good' text to Magnus remained unreceived, let alone unread. He had received news that Robert would be visiting from Idris along with the envoy. Max, who had actually been scheduled for a visit, would not be coming anymore because Izzy thought it too dangerous. He could feel Jace's continuous tension through the bond, and fought to keep his own frustration from reaching him. 

By the time his work is done and he returns to his barely-used room and gets changed, he is tired, has a headache and is ready to crash, and let his dreams take him to where he didn't need to think. Then he realizes that he still has to change the dusty covers, and something snaps.

He almost screams. What happens instead is that his knees give out and he falls to the floor. He doesn't even have the energy to put out his hands. He stays there in a twisted mess. There's a piercing pain in his chest and he would be worried it was the wound if it wasn't where Jace had stabbed him. His head throbs dully and feels wet and he realizes he can't move, but is more focused on trying to figure out how to make the pain just stop _, oh Angel._

His bedroom door opens, and Jace rushes to his side in a panic. Alec can't hear what he's saying for a good long while. 

"-Alec, oh god,  _say something,_ please, please, I can't lose you too, please-"

Alec takes a huge, gasping breath. Jace sobs, and Alec realises he's been crying. He raises a hand to push off the tears on Jace's cheek and mumbles out an "'m fine."

"Bullshit," Jace spits, voice cracking. "You're lying on the floor and I can feel how much it hurts. You forgot I'm your parabatai."

Alec winces. "Sorry."

"Let's get you u- You're bleeding." Jace eases a hand around Alec's waist and under his knees and carries him over to his bed. Alec can't even complain because he's more focused on not passing out from the sudden dizziness and pain.

He must be really out of it, because by the time he comes back to his senses, Jace is stuffing his stele back into his pocket and his iratze is tingling. His chest still hurts, but it's a dull ache rather than the piercing pain of a few minutes ago. He wipes away tear tracks that he didn't know were there.

"Talk. What happened?" Jace demands.

"It's nothing. I just- I got frustrated because I still have to change my sheets," Alec says, picking at a loose thread in his sleeve.

Jace opens his mouth, but Alec beats him to it. "It's been a shit day and that was just the last straw. Don't push at it."

Jace shuts his mouth and nods. Alec is still close to bursting, but now it's more tamed now Jace is next to him and he isn't barricading all his feelings.

"I can't feel you through the bond. Stop shutting it off."

Or maybe not.

"I'm sorry, Jace," Alec sighs. "I just- I thought- Magnus-" And just like that, he's sobbing into Jace's pajama sleeve and all his frustration is tumbling out and he's so  _embarassed, I mustn't cry,_ before he realizes Jace has his arms around him and he just cries harder. He can't breathe, but Jace is right there, shushing him, staring into his eyes, and after a few minutes, he calms down enough to stop shaking and take deep breaths. 

"I'm here, Alec. I'm here." Jace pats his back. "Let's have a sleepover. My sheets are clean and my bed is better." 

Alec starts to protest weakly, still hiccuping, but Jace looks at him and simply says, "For me. I need you, brother." And Alec knows that's just a way to make him give in, but he also can't refuse Jace, and he wants to be a little selfish and take the comfort in its disguise.

***

They walk over to Jace's room, Jace partly carrying Alec in empty hallways but immediately letting go every time someone else appears. Alec hides his face behind Jace when that happens. It wouldn't have worked if Alec wasn't hunched over in half with pain.

Jace flutters uselessly around Alec once he lies down. He brings Alec a glass of water, then a pack of cookies, then a thermometer, until Alec stops him.

"Quit it, Jace. I'm good. I'm okay now. Let's just get to sleep." Alec pats the bed next to him, pulling up the cool blanket with his other hand. He's done with this day. He's exhausted, and already half asleep with the soft pillow. Jace nods jerkily, switches off the light, and gets in next to him. They lay in silence for a minute and Alec realises he can't sleep with this headache after all. He sighs and turns onto his side, where he knows Jace is watching him. 

_Jace's eyes don't glow like Magnus'._

"You know, this goes both ways," Alec says, his voice still hoarse. "I can feel you through the bond too."

"I know," Jace says. He sounds like he wants to say more, but the room stays silent a few more minutes.

"Go to sleep, Jace," Alec says, reaching out and taking Jace's hand. It stays stiff before Jace squeezes his hand back. 

"Goodnight, Alec," Jace says, and the knot in his chest finally eases.

"Goodnight, Jace," Alec returns. He stays awake until the grip on his hand finally loosens and the burn of his parabatai bond settles.

Then, after he is sure Jace is asleep, he lets himself close his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the ending. There's nothing remotely happy about the entire situation and I don't want to end it on a high note because that defeats the purpose of angst. (idk what that is. depression?)
> 
> If you liked it, leave a comment! Also if you didn't, but y'know, catchphrases.
> 
> #SaveShadowhunters
> 
> EDIT: Okay, so I'm getting comments saying 'Magnus is not a dick for refusing sex', and I completely agree. Magnus is not a dick here at all. The summary is the exact prompt wording and not what I went according to exactly. It's just that Alec needs physical and emotional reassurance here, and Magnus needs space. I'm just trying to write some angst please don't call it rape or some shit that's not what this is at all


End file.
